The first time I did speed was on a photo shoot for Fiend Clothing Apparel. The Photographer and her husband offered me the pills and I thought, “why not?” So I downed the drugs with a bottle of water. I would never regret that decision. Speed is a wonderful drug. It made the photo shoot somehow livelier but that may also have been due to the six palm bays I had had. I was on a serious high, and not just the sugar kind.
The photo shoot was awesome and the photographer was great at making you feel comfortable. The shoot was an absolute pleasure, I enjoyed every minute of it. The speed made everything feel more intense and electric. And what would you expect from a 4/20 brand? Would you expect the models to be sober?
The poses came so fluid to me, I felt great in my skin for the first time in awhile. Not to mention the clothes I modelled were really cute and something I would actually wear in real life, which I actually do! Great thing about modelling is the freebies, like new clothes! The pictures from this shoot are some of my favourite pictures that I have ever taken.
I don’t know if I can really explain what it felt like to be high on speed. It just felt like you’re on top of the world and everything feels nice. You get excited and focus on things with much more clarity which is why a photo shoot was the perfect thing to do for my first speed high. You can channel all your creativity into something with extra energy.
The photographer and her husband are still great friends to this day. We bonded over something I like to call creativity. The relationship between model and photographer is unique and often ends in a power trip. At the end of the day I loved this brand and will continue to wear their kickass clothes!
So I’ve been on the dating site OK Cupid for a few years now and am beginning to give up all hope on dating sites as a general means to meet anyone normal. But then again what is normal? I had the pleasure of meeting someone with a foot fetish and I am ashamed to say I let him suck on my toes. It tickled might I add, quite terribly. This guy had not only a foot fetish but a smelly feet fetish. He wanted me to wear my vans sans socks so that my feet would purposefully smell extra smelly. As he sucked my toes, he proceeded to smell my feet then he admitted to getting a huge erection from doing it. I wish I could say that was one of the weirder dates..
On Valentine’s day I had another Ok Cupid date and it went rather horribly. After stopping at the local timmies, we drove out to Dufferin Islands where we walked his dog. We then got back into his car where he proceeded to take his pants off and said “blow me.” I said I wouldn’t then he insisted that he had gotten the wrong idea and that I would have enjoyed giving him a blowjob. Then said “If you get me this once , I’ll get you back next time.” To which I replied, “please take me home.” That was the most awkward car ride of my life! And not more than a week later the same thing happened to me with a different guy from Ok Cupid who took me back to his apartment, took off his pants and said “please give me a blowjob.” I said I was not interested in doing so and to please take me home.
The latest date was probably the worse cause it left me stranded in St. Catharines. Another guy from Ok Cupid took me all the way to Missisauga for some Indian food, which I personally cannot stand. As we were driving back to the Niagara region, I explained I had to be home soon since my niece was having a recital soon. He said no problem, and that he would take me straight home but instead he took me back to his apartment where he tried to force me to have sex with him. When I refused he kicked me out of his apartment and said find your own way home so I walked out and caught the next bus home. Lucky for me I know the niagara regional bus system like the back of my hand but I could have ended up seriously stuck.
In conclusion, dating sites suck. It is far more gratifying to meet someone the natural way. My experiences with Ok Cupid have been fraught to say the least. When I’m not getting messages to “Choke on my cock soon?” (true story), I am getting consistent offers to do pornography, as well as offers to have a sugar daddy which I do not want nor need. Maybe I am a little jaded, if you’ve have positive experiences with online dating feel free to comment and let me know, maybe it will cure my cynicism , but I doubt it . After long consideration I have decided to delete my Ok Cupid account and I do and will have no regrets about it. No more foot fetishes, attack blowjobs or offers to choke on some stranger’s cock. So to Ok Cupid, I say “Adieu!”
A few years ago, I made one of the most detrimental decisions of my life which was to tell a LaSenza scout to basically go fuck herself (not in so many words). What she didn’t nor I knew was that I was also experiencing my first manic episode of a now life-time illness I struggle with – BiPolar Disorder.
It started with a response to an expiring Ad I had on kijiji to a modelling inquiry I posted:
”My name is Julie from LaSenza Model Management, we’re currently seeking 2 female models for an underwear advertising poster. The 2 models we are looking for will have their back to the camera for the poster and their face will not be revealed. Please let me know if you are interested in this shoot and if you can reply with any portfolio describing the stance above. Best Regards, Julie.”
Of course I responded affirmatively and excitedly, saying I would send in shots from previous photo shoots I had done as well as the amateur shots she requested in my lingerie. The best part was more than 95% of my underwear came from that retailer, as well as, my clothes.
My friend Emma Davidson got together that weekend and took hundreds of test shots: all of which looked amazing and I still thank her to this day for being tasked with taking boudoir and nude shots of her good friend, A.K.A. me.
What happened next is embarrassing for not only my career for but me as a person since I lost complete control of my mental faculties and started to experience paranoid delusions (a sure symptom of my disorder).
I asked Julie for a waiver to send nudes via the internet on advice from a well meaning friend who now looking back had no clue how the modelling industry really worked. I asked for a waiver to ensure the photographs were kept private and only for the selection process. She misunderstood me and assumed I meant I already expected a contract:
“I am not quite sure what to offer you in terms of a waiver as we are only in the prospect stage but I will contact our management. Any model who performs for a professional shoot that is placed on display for La Senza is usually paid by contract $9,500.00 (before tax) but does NOT establish a modelling career with La Senza unless we feel your work may be beneficial to us throughout several seasons. I’m currently attempting to fill the last three tryout spots in the final submission, please keep in mind these contract terms are only if we feel you are someone who fits what we are looking for.”
My brain started to spin out, jumping from one thought to the next and becoming oddly extremely feminist. How dare this woman try to take my image? (not that she was but in a manic paranoid delusion I thought she was attempting to) And then I began to think of the nature of the shoot and how she only was interested in basically my ass (a great feature but come on!) I felt a duty to womankind everywhere to reject this notion: that woman are only good for their bodies. So I responded in anger that I was worth more than just a “fine ass” and that I would never ever wear LaSenza underwear again (which I didn’t).
I was so angry I went to the school newspaper and decided to write an Op-Ed on the exploitation of people like me and interns at major corporations who are expected to give their work over without rights to it and without compensation. They were really excited to run it until they realized it was a potential lawsuit waiting to happen. I felt like my voice needed to be heard.
I became so paranoid that at one point when I was at my sickest I had left my web camera on from taking a selfie, and thought it was “them” i.e. LaSenza watching me to track down the dirt I was collecting on them for this potential story.
Long story short, I was admitted into the Ottawa Civic hospital and was diagnosed with BiPolar disorder. The reason I was so angry was I was coming off heavy drugs like cocaine, MDMA, marijuanna and speed which I had become accustomed to seeing on set at the various shoots I was doing in the city. I had officially spun out. I think LaSenza approaching me made me realize how NOT ready I was for this industry and I am actually thankful.
Today, I am proud to say Ive been clean ever since and never intend to do drugs like this ever again in my life. And if LaSenza were to approach me I know I am good enough and I am the type of role model they would want working for them: someone who has faced adversity, fallen, conquered and rose from the ashes like a phoenix.
So LaSenza I ask you, Am I Good Enough For You Now?
I laid on the bed, tears calmly streaming down my cheek while my mother held my head in her lap. The doctors had called her in late that night to stay with me since I was exhibiting suicidal tendencies.
Did they stop to think about the copious amounts of drugs they had prescribed me?
She had tears in her eyes too and I wanted to wipe them away but instead laid there saying calmly “I’m just going to smash my head against the toilet over and over again until it’s…over.”
She soothed me, ran her fingers through my hair, “Britt, you will get through this.”
“No, I won’t. It’s too late, what’s done is done…I am done. Just take me to Dad, I want to be in heaven with Dad.”
She continued to stroke my hair and then I awoke the next morning…
January 06 2016.
Carol Sawyer’s solo exhibition The Natalie Brettschneider Archive, curated by Heather Anderson, is one of three new exhibitions opening at the Carleton University Art Gallery (CUAG) Jan. 18, along with Mathew Reichertz’s Garbage, and the group exhibition Continuum: Abstraction in Contemporary Indigenous Art.
The upcoming exhibitions curated by Heather Anderson, Robin Metcalfe, and Wahsontiio Cross feature works from artists Robert Houle, Rita Letendre, Helen Wassegijig, Lance Belanger, and Alex Janvier.
The Natalie Brettschneider Archive narrates the life of a fictional artist and performer named Natalie Brettschneider, which Sawyer has staged since 1998.
“I am intrigued by Carol Sawyer’s ongoing, self-reflective project of ‘uncovering’ Natalie Brettschneider’s life and performance work,” Anderson said. “She also includes historical documents that she has uncovered in the process of her research into the exhibition, weaving a narrative, tinged with a good deal of humour, that both illuminates aspects of Brettschneider’s life, and underscores the obscured histories of many women artists.”
Reichertz’s Garbage, curated by Metcalfe, has a different style that calls to mind a giant comic book. Giant images on panels of up to 17 feet in height give the viewer the impression of walking right into the narrative.
Garbage is described on its website as a piece that “expands the narrative aspect that has characterized Reichertz’s work into a new, psychologically-charged realm that overlaps with popular printed matter.”
Continuum: Abstraction in Contemporary Indigenous Art, curated by Cross, showcases works by artists Robert Houle, Helen Wassegijig, and more who challenge the “so-called primitive” origins of abstraction.
Garbage will remain open until Apr. 3 and the other two exhibitions will remain at the CUAG until Apr. 19. Admission is free.
To see this article in its original context: http://www.charlatan.ca/2016/01/cuag-opening-three-new-exhibitions-in-january/